Marriage and Babies

At my age, as I look around it feels like everyone is getting married or having a baby. Now I know that not EVERYONE is. In fact I have several close friends who are doing neither at the moment but when I look around I tend to notice all of the people who are. I am only 21 years old, but I have this humungously strong drive to be a mother. I am in a relationship that I have been in for 3 1/2 years now and I am very happy. I would love to marry the man I am with. He however is not ready. He wants us to have a decent savings before he proposes. I completely understand this, however I want to get married now. I want to have a baby now. I know its not logical. I do want to be married first...so I want to get married now so I can be on my way to having a baby. I really want to be a mom. Ever since I was a child that is all I've felt a calling to. I am meant to be a mom. Whatever else is meant for me to do I do not know right now, all I know is that I want to be a mother and a wife and I cannot knock this urge. So right now I'm just floating through life waiting until the day I can have my dreams come true. But then I think to myself "what if I die tomorrow"? Life is short and you never know when it's going to be taken away from you. So if I died tomorrow I would have an unfufilled life because I would never have gotten to be a mother and a wife. So everynow and then I convince myself that I shouldn't wait, that I should just go for it. But I don't. Because it takes two to tango. I don't push the topic on my bf too much because I know that if I brought a child into this world right now I would not be able to provide for it the way that I want to. Anyway, my point is that I am sick of waiting I want to be able to just do it. Do what I want and have what I want now! I do not want to wait anylonger. But I will. And it will be so much better when I finally get my wish because I will have waited long and hard for it to come true.

A Precious Stone

Love is very rare,
A precious stone if you will,
So it is no surprise,
That for love some would kill.

My life it isn't perfect,
This I know is true,
But I know that we are meant to be,
I want to see it through.

My baby he is real,
I do not make believe,
He makes me feel like dancing,
I know he'll never leave.

My love it's so much deeper,
Than anything before,
He is so perfect for me,
It's the stuff of lore.

I want to show how much I care,
And make him understand,
But he just cannot grasp it,
For it goes beyond this land.

My life it's always changing,
I'm not sure what I'll do,
But one thing that I can count on,
To me he'll say I do.

He knows just how to hold me,
And how to treat me right,
He even cooks me dinner,
And turns off the bedroom light.

This whole big world surrounds me,
I don't know where I am,
At least for now I can say,
I'm glad I have my man.

Old Habbits Die Hard

I feel like a seed caught in the breeze. I don't know where I'm going or where I will end up, but I'm enjoying the ride along the way. Sure it has its ups and downs, but overall I have a pretty nice life. Somewhere along the way I lost a friend that I once considered dear to me. I think it was for the best, we were growing further apart anyway. However I can't help thinking about her. I've had several dreams lately involving her, most of them about us reuniting our friendship. I don't know why I keep thinking and dreaming of her. Is it because I long for us to reunite? I really don't think so. I left the friendship willingly, because it was headed down the wrong path and causing me pain. Even though it was voluntary, it of course was not a pleasent goodbye. It ended in a fight. So do I long for closure? No, I don't think I do. I felt like there was closure the day I sent that email, and everytime I've seen her since. I don't miss hanging out with her; she always made me feel bad. Although I guess on some level I miss her. She was the joker, the life of the party. Being around her energized me. But I don't miss the things she used to say or the things she would do. I think I miss the old times. It got to a point though where I just had nothing to say to her. We have nothing in common anymore. I think we were hanging on out of habbit not out of true friendship. I know other people feel that way too. In regards to the same person. I think she has just moved on, put the people she used to care about in the past and instead focuses on her new friends. I don't miss her, I miss what used to be. I mean the past, the true past, the summer before high school where all we did was hang out together. That was a good time in my life, and I think that was the only thing that kept us together as long as it did. I'm not saying I hate her or that I want to reunite, I'm just saying that I still care and probably always will. She was a big part of my life for a long time, and old habbits die hard. I suppose that's why I think about her so much and even dream about her, because she was a habbit. Our friendship was a habbit.

My Love

I feel very lost,
I don't know what to do,
The only thing I know,
Is I want to be with you.

I feel this heavy pressure,
To be someone I'm not,
I'm lost and so confused,
I wish that I were not.

At times things seem okay,
But then they go and change,
I want the world to stop,
So I can rearrange.

My life it isn't over,
In fact it's just begining,
But I don't understand,
Why I don't feel like I'm winning.

Marriage is one thing,
I know I want to do,
The other thing I'm sure of,
is I want it to be you.

You are my future,
Of that I am sure,
I want to give you children,
So innocent and pure.

I want to be a mom,
I want to hold them in my hands,
I want to be there when they cry,
And the first time they stand.

I know it'll be a while,
Before my dreams can come true,
But I want you to know,
That baby I love you.

Theology and Sadness

Wow. After just reading some of my good friend's deepest feelings put into a very eloquent blog I felt inspired to write. I never blog because I never know what to talk about and usually if I feel a certain way I'm not sure how to put it into words. However Kathy has given me some food for thought. I have recently found my faith in God vanishing. I used to "know" that God existed, or at least I thought I did. I used to see him in all the little things that happened to me. I prayed every night. I thanked him for being so good to me, I asked him to bless those I love, and to help me through any struggles I was going through. But recently I have felt an emptiness. A sense of being all alone. Not physically, after all I have Tony, my friends, and my parents. But I mean I have started losing faith. It is a horrible feeling not knowing if God is truly there. I want to beleive so badly but he's stopped answering my prayers or giving me any sign of his existance. Its not that I expect him to cater to my every request, it's just that I used to feel his presence, his love, I used to feel safe while praying, and like everything was going to turn out ok. But I don't know what to think anymore. I don't feel him around me, praying doesn't make me feel safe anymore, and I am scared. If there is no God then what is life? Is there an afterlife? Who can I turn to when I'm hurt, or scared, or just worried? I don't want God to not exist... but I've been feeling the part of an athiest lately. The only thing that has started to return my faith even a little is that someone told me they prayed and asked God to help me pass statistics, then I did. Even when it seemed there was no chance, I did. I attribute it to that prayer. But if God exists then why is he ignoring me? Why can't he just surround me with (his) love like he used to. Praying doesn't help me anymore and I don't know what to do. I'm lost and scared I feel like I'm floating in the breeze waiting to land somewhere.