My Love

I feel very lost,
I don't know what to do,
The only thing I know,
Is I want to be with you.

I feel this heavy pressure,
To be someone I'm not,
I'm lost and so confused,
I wish that I were not.

At times things seem okay,
But then they go and change,
I want the world to stop,
So I can rearrange.

My life it isn't over,
In fact it's just begining,
But I don't understand,
Why I don't feel like I'm winning.

Marriage is one thing,
I know I want to do,
The other thing I'm sure of,
is I want it to be you.

You are my future,
Of that I am sure,
I want to give you children,
So innocent and pure.

I want to be a mom,
I want to hold them in my hands,
I want to be there when they cry,
And the first time they stand.

I know it'll be a while,
Before my dreams can come true,
But I want you to know,
That baby I love you.

Theology and Sadness

Wow. After just reading some of my good friend's deepest feelings put into a very eloquent blog I felt inspired to write. I never blog because I never know what to talk about and usually if I feel a certain way I'm not sure how to put it into words. However Kathy has given me some food for thought. I have recently found my faith in God vanishing. I used to "know" that God existed, or at least I thought I did. I used to see him in all the little things that happened to me. I prayed every night. I thanked him for being so good to me, I asked him to bless those I love, and to help me through any struggles I was going through. But recently I have felt an emptiness. A sense of being all alone. Not physically, after all I have Tony, my friends, and my parents. But I mean I have started losing faith. It is a horrible feeling not knowing if God is truly there. I want to beleive so badly but he's stopped answering my prayers or giving me any sign of his existance. Its not that I expect him to cater to my every request, it's just that I used to feel his presence, his love, I used to feel safe while praying, and like everything was going to turn out ok. But I don't know what to think anymore. I don't feel him around me, praying doesn't make me feel safe anymore, and I am scared. If there is no God then what is life? Is there an afterlife? Who can I turn to when I'm hurt, or scared, or just worried? I don't want God to not exist... but I've been feeling the part of an athiest lately. The only thing that has started to return my faith even a little is that someone told me they prayed and asked God to help me pass statistics, then I did. Even when it seemed there was no chance, I did. I attribute it to that prayer. But if God exists then why is he ignoring me? Why can't he just surround me with (his) love like he used to. Praying doesn't help me anymore and I don't know what to do. I'm lost and scared I feel like I'm floating in the breeze waiting to land somewhere.